After Almost Half a Year...Time for a Rant.

This is hatahata, a specialty fish and popular early winter food in Akita. The roe has a similar consistency to natto. This is a great item when playing feed-the-foreigner. Made an unwelcome appearance in my life two nights in a row. Thank you Japanese friends, I love your pranks.

After having been here nearly half a year (which some days seems like it has passed in the blink of an eye, and other days feels like an eternity) during which I have scrupulously not lost my temper, I feel it is time to release some pent-up frustration about certain aspects of life in Japan. Disclaimer: On the whole I am quite happy here. Frustrations frequently distill to individuals, circumstances or miscommunications, frequently with good intent. Venting about them is in no way intended as an indictment of Japan, Japanese people, or even the specific person who may be involved in a given incident.

Disclaimer aside, some of these things are absolutely monumentally annoying and frustrating, all high aspirations of cultural exchange be damned. (This is by no means a comprehensive list of frustrations or annoyances; recently I've simply encountered a spate of them that merited at least a digital venting session, if not a few laughs...)

To begin, a short narrative. I was out at an enkai (work drinking party) with a select subset of my colleagues from one school, and an old friend of theirs who used to teach at my school but now teaches in another town (whom I had never met). It was a fun evening, but eventually, the new guy started chatting me up. He asked me about my feelings towards Japanese food and dining in Akita. The conversation proceeded something as follows.

Japanese Man: Have you eaten at many restaurants in Akita Prefecture?

Amanda: Some. I don't eat out much, though, since I live alone. Eating at restaurants is less fun alone.

JM: Ah. I see. But I know what your favorite restaurant in Akita is.

A: *eyebrow raise* Oh? (thinking to self: is there one I've been to an inordinate amount?! I don't eat out that often...)

JM: *triumphantly* McDonald's!!!

A: *stare*

A: I haven't eaten at McDonald's since I came to Japan.

JM: Oh. KFC then.

A: Uh....No, I haven't eaten there either.

*long pause*

JM: *critical stare* Are you really American?!?!

Right. Ok. I have eaten neither KFC nor McDonald's since my arrival here in July. Given that everyone in this area, for several towns around, apparently tracks my every move (down to a random sushi restaurant owner two towns over knowing which convenience store I stop at on the way to work to buy breakfast when I'm running late, and that breakfast is usually two onigiri (rice balls) and I only ever buy salted salmon or shrimp and mayo....) and knows me by my height, body type and distinctive ponytail...I infer everyone knows there hasn't been a single KFC or McDonald's related sighting of Amanda-sensei. This means only one thing; even if nobody caught me doing it, not even the employees, being American, I must by definition be eating KFC and McDonald's, because that is what Americans eat. Oh stereotypes, thank you so.

Besides, McDonald's looks like Le Bernadin compared to this nightmare they served me at that enkai:

This is shirako. That translates as "fish testicles filled with sperm/semen". I couldn't bring myself to eat it. My table neighbor, however, in his enthusiasm, was stirring it excitedly to eat it, and splattered it on my pants. I got spooged on by a fish. A dead fish. Thank you, Japan, for bringing necrophilia and bestiality into perfect harmony in a single meal.

Next up: at work. One of my JTEs and I are chatting. She then, quite nonchalantly, asks me to describe to her in details what Americans do in church for Christmas.

...

In addition to making me a hamburger-and-crispy-chicken-family-basket-snarfing lardass, apparently being American also means I must, necessarily, attend church. Especially for my religiously significant holidays like Christmas. Despite numerous explanations, including explaining the Latin roots of "theos" and "a-" for "atheist", somehow the concept just hasn't quite sunk in. Sigh.

This was further substantiated later that week at my main elementary school. I stayed a bit later than usual, chatting with my kocho- and kyoto-senseis and some random teachers in the teachers' room. They started asking me about my musical training. I explained many US primary schools, and almost all middle schools, lacked mandatory music classes. They were horrified. Then, inspiration and clarity struck. Their faces lit up with comprehension. They gleefully announced....

"I see! You learned how to sing in church!"

...

Shoot me. Please.

I have also discovered that none of my schools have the foggiest notion that some Americans celebrate Hannukah, Kwanzaa, nothing, or any number of other holidays during this time of year. For convenience's sake I may just not hassle with explaining this. I feel it will probably go galloping down the same road of futility as my attempts to explain that I am not, never have been, and never will be a Christian. In Japan, being American has some very simple defining characteristics. Apparently, being Christian and a McDonald's addict are two of them. I'll get my revenge yet though for the hatahata and shirako torture; when I return here from the US, I got permission to have my middle schoolers taste-test American foods like ants-on-a-log, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and corn chips with jarred nacho cheese dip. Take THAT, Japan.

Nacho cheese in a jar. That's America's answer to natto, y'all.